How To Make Conversations Healthy And Productive Dialogues

In his new
book, Habits of a Peacemaker, Steven T. Collis, a leading
expert on civil discourse, reveals ten practical habits that can help you
navigate the potential minefields of hard topics and leave you and those you
converse with feeling thoughtful and productive. 

The ten
habits are: 

1. Intellectual
   Humility and Reframing
2. Seek Real
   Learning
3. Assume the Best
   About People
4. Don’t Feed
   People’s Worst Fears
5. Hunt for the
   Best Argument Against You
6. Be Open to
   Change
7. Spend Time with
   People
8. A Sliver of
   Humor
9. Seek Inner Peace
10. Embrace the Discomfort
    of Non-Closure 

“I have organized
the book in a way that makes sense to me, but you should not feel the need to
read it strictly from front to back,” shares Collis. “Each chapter provides
useful guidance on how to achieve moments of peaceful, productive dialogue with
the people in your life.” 

He adds, “If
how you treat others matters to you, this book offers powerful new habits that
can give you the confidence to engage in dialogue about hard topics while
building and strengthening relationships.”

Helping us rise
above our tendency to overestimate what we know, Collis illuminates, among
other skills: 

• Why
  self-reflection and self-care—such as journaling, reading, and talk therapy—are
  important, underrated, tools for civil discourse.
• When to deploy
  tight, slightly self-deprecating humor to lower the conversational temperature.
• How to embrace
  discomfort, or a lack of closure, in conversation.
• How to
  recognize gaslighting and now allow it.
• Know when and
  how to use humor during conversations. 

Some of my
favorite takeaways and lessons learned from the book include: 

• Conversations are
  more likely to deteriorate when participants are acting with too little
  information.
• Framing or
  reframing a conversation will help conversations focus more on making progress
  and learning, rather than merely proving others wrong.
• Peacemakers assume
  the best about people and their intentions.
• All the
  questions in the world will do you no good if you are not listening to the
  answers.
• Peacemakers ask
  genuine questions, and they listen for complete answers.
• Don’t seek praise
  for your own contributions, and instead try to highlight the great work of
  those around you, including those with whom you disagree.
• Peacemakers
  spend time with people to know and understand them. 

• Know that when used correctly, humor can be a powerful tool for putting people at ease and allowing more fruitful conversations.
• Realize that for many problems, even a small step in finding a solution is important, and know that even small steps cannot be made in moments of hostility and argument.
• Peacemakers take time needed to reflect on issues and the arguments presented to them.
• Peacemakers know that the best way to connect with others is through their own kind example and tone, long before any words come out of their mouths.

• Ask questions (and listen to the answers) until a question is asked of you.
• You may have points you want to make.
• You may have opinions you want to share.
• Hopefully, as you're listening, those points and opinions are growing more sophisticated. 
• Eventually, as you ask more questions, the person with whom you're speaking will realize they haven't asked you anything.
• When they finally do, you now have your window to share your thinking.

Steven T. Collis